Focus Kayla, FOCUS!!!

I went back to sunrise yog for the first time in 2 weeks. While part of me was so happy to be back in the relaxing environment, the other part of my (aka my body) was screaming “what are you doing to me at 7AM!” For whatever reason I was not blessed with the gift of flexibility which makes flowing through a yoga class difficult for my tight body.

During my performance last night I had the terrifying moments of “oh god, I am not focused on what I am doing in this show, STOP THINKING KAYLA”. This realization was identical to how I feel in yoga when my thoughts take over and I lose my focus. It is also identical to when we meditated in my Voice and Speech class for 15 minutes and whenever we lost focus on our breath we had to tell our minds “thinking” and go back to focusing on the in and out.

Flying trapeze is a place where I am focused. When you are 25 feet up in the air it is difficult to think about what you want for dinner, homework, how pissed off you are about something that happened at school, and all the other things I spend my free time pondering about.

look at that concentration!

the most jarring experience I have had while flying happened a few weeks ago when I was attempting to throw my layout at the end of class. I know how to do a layout, and I know how to successfully do one, yet in the middle of flying I was suddenly hyper aware and could hear my mind thinking far too loudly. Usually the only thing I can think about in the air is the key words that the instructor has told me “stay tight” “wait for the break” “hold on a second longer” but not a full thought of “kayla, you are doing a layout, oh look there’s a catching swinging towards you!” and it freaked me out! I stopped mid trick because I was not in the right mindset.

Trapeze, yoga, meditation and acting all share this principle of focus– when you are hyper focused on your goal, which varies on the activities, that is when you are the most successful. When I lose focus while flying, that is when I mess up my trick. When I lose focus in yoga, that is when the class is unenjoyable and I cannot hold poses, or I spend the class staring at my watch. When I lost focus meditating, I did not reap the full benefits. And when I lose focus while acting, especially in performance like I did Tuesday night, my performance will suffer.

So today, I focused in all aspects of my life. In yoga I concentrated on the present– I am in yoga class, I did not worry about the rest of my day, and enjoyed the class (mentally at least, my body was definitely hurting).

in tonight’s performance I really focused on the present– what is going on in the show, what am I hearing, what am I feeling and not “make sure you step more stage right than you have been Kayla”, “shit I always mess up this harmony”, “oh hey, the audience isn’t laughing tonight”. I was present, in the moment, and at the end of the show I felt what a difference it made.

 

and a bonus? I briefly had intense focus at starbucks while studying for my midterm

instead of studying in my apartment where there is a fabulous tv that is begging to be watched, delicious food in my fridge, dishes that could be washed, packing that could be done, facebook stalking that can always be done, and endless tasks that are far more fun than studying for my midterm…. I cut myself off from distraction at Starbucks and actually got down to business. Take that senioritis.

THE COUNTDOWN CONTINUES

2 more performances left (this part is actually sad)

1 midterm

2 days til home!

4 days til California

and 1 week and a day til I get to see Idiot in LA!

 

Why I Sweat

today was the day I’ve been waiting for in my academic class The Science of Happiness

EXERCISE DAY!

a chance for me to nerd out about sweating and pat myself on the back for reaping the many benefits of exercise.

It got me thinking though, why do I sweat? Why do I workout? I think this answer varies for everyone– for some it is to lose weight, for some it is control, for some it is because they love competing in sports, for some it is for stress release.

Some of the above does pertain to me, but I still can’t help but think why this shift in my life. In high school I was the least athletic girl EVER and hated breaking a sweat in phys ed. Where did this gym rat come from?

We learned in class today that exercise is being prescribed as an anti-depressant  because:

–>Like prozac, exercise increases the levels of norepinephrine and serotonin.  

–> it acts as a distraction and can clear the mind

–> it allows the patient to have control

–> it is a social interaction (such as in the case of working out with a friend or group fitness

The population that is less active has higher instances of mental illness.

For me it has never been about weight loss, even if I didn’t work out I would still be little, I come from a long line of really petite females. My “sport” is trapeze, which does benefit from my work outs, however I am not training with trapeze as my specific goal in mind. I work out when I am stressed, often to procrastinate doing homework I am avoiding, often to let out pent up aggression and frustration from the day. Now a days, I work out to start my day on the right foot so I feel less anxious for the rest of the day, and can smile knowing I accomplished something at the ass-crack of dawn.

Today I realized that exercise is my anti-depressant. The times in my life when I have felt the most depressed correlate to times when I was inactive. The summer I spent living in the NYU Dorms, sulking in my loneliness and coping with stress caused by various things, I wish I would have gotten out of the dark dorm room and gone to the gym. I wish I would have continued to go to yoga classes. I wish I would have realized that running is a great way to release.

This school year has been incredible for various reasons. Yes I am finally studying what I have loved since I was 5 years old, yes there is a boy in Westchester who loves me despite how absurd I am, yes I have a comfortable home in the city, but perhaps most importantly has been my commitment to my physical health. I have learned what my favorite ways to exercise are, I have made my muscles stronger than ever, I have danced to latin music like a doofus in Zumba class, I have sweated my frustration away on the tread mill while listening to American Idiot for the millionth time.

I have found comfort and relief in fitness.

What is amazing about this is that fitness is there for everyone– anyone can run, anyone can learn how to do a bicep curl, take a zumba class from youtube, do yoga from netflix– find something active to do that distracts them, gets their heart racing, and gives them a healthy release.

I am obsessed with alternate therapies— how to help people like me who are troubled with anxieties and phobia cope via natural, drug free ways. For me musical theater has played a huge component in coping, seeing shows that wake me up, smack me in the face, make me cry, make me realize something about myself, and make me feel. I loved my music therapy course I took last year which taught me about the incredible power of healing with music. When I started doing trapeze I finally felt a sense of release from my uptight ways and learned to let go and fall.

And now I am very focused on the connection of fitness and mental well being.

So why do I sweat? Because I think it is continuing to save my life. I hate when people roll their eyes because I say “I can’t, I’m going to the gym”. I feel their judgement as they look at me and think I am on some weight loss binge. The truth? It’s what keeps me going.

I will leave you with this awesome list courtesy of my new fitness idol Patricia Moreno:

NYC Vegetarian Food Festival 2012

I believe I am in a permanent food coma.

this weekend was spent performing the musical I am in for school 4 times, eating outrageous quantities of delicious food, and spending time with people I love.

today I went to the NYC Vegetarian Fest

I am not a vegetarian. I wish I could be, but it would not fit my current life style and picky eating habits. I haven’t eaten red meat since I was 12, and currently only eat chicken and turkey. My reasoning behind banning red meat from my diet is simple– I don’t like it and it grosses me out…. however, I do not care that you eat it.

I hope some day I will broaden my food horizons enough to include the essential nutrients I would need in order to cut chicken from my diet, but that is currently not the case. At this point in my life though, I eat chicken maybe twice a week and love trying vegetarian alternatives.

Attending the Vegetarian Food Festival was awesome, and delicious.

Here are some of my favorite booths of the day

Peanut Butter Co
Anyone who knows me knows my favorite food is peanut butter. I have been a huge fan of PB Co. since summer 2010 when I went there practically every day before my summer classes for a peanut butter and nutella sandwich. I loved getting to taste test all their delicious flavors. I ended up buying a few jars of “The Bees Knees” which is peanut butter with honey

slathered on whole wheat bread, this was the post- performance treat tonight. As if I needed more reasons to eat a peanut butter sandwich every day.

Yoga Rave

yes, a yoga rave. this sounds like the coolest thing ever, and I am so disappointed that I already have plans that thursday night.

You start off with a yoga warm up, then it turns into a rave, and then you finish off with yoga and meditation. For a girl like me who is not remotely into clubbing, but loves dancing and is slowly learning to love yoga, this is my kind of party. Hopefully it will be a huge success and there will be more Yoga Raves in the future.

Daiya Dairy Free Cheese

if you are vegan or lactose intolerant, this substitute “cheese” is absolutely delicious. I tried the pepper jack in quesadilla form and the american in grilled cheese form, and both were yummy alternatives

Vegan Marshmallows from Sweet and Sara

I don’t like to think about what marshmallows are made of. Some people say those horrifying gelatin stories are no longer true, others feel the need to constantly remind me that I am eating animal bones. If that is the case, Sweet and Sara vegan marshmallows were a fantastic substitute

my favorite were the rice krispy treats and the peanut butter s’mores

—–

It was a delicious afternoon taste testing at the festival

—

This semester is going by WAY too fast, I have 4 more performances of the musicals and then it is SPRING BREAK— and the signal that spring semester is half way over.

It is gonna be a crazy whirlwind week attempting to study for midterms, performing 4 more times, having a full week of class… and followed by going home to visit friends for the weekend before I go to California for the rest of spring break.

I just keep thinking how amazing it will be when I am in California in a little over a week, enjoying the warmer weather with my best friend…..

(spring break 2011 in California. Bestie and I lived out my life long wish and had a dream Disneyland Vacation and stayed onsite. Actually….. we went to Disneyland all 3 times I visited him last year. We are kind of obsessed.)

perfect thursday

Some days everything just lines up perfectly

http://www.youtube.com/get_player

I’ve been working on this trick for far longer than I would like to admit, and finally tonight was the night I was given the okay to catch it.
I caught my layout during the first attempt– you can hear me legit squeal with delight. added bonus? the theme tonight was summery beach party, so I am rocking a bikini while catching my layout.

incredible end to what was already a great thursday, I’m still shaking from the shock and adrenaline of actually catching this trick !
—
I attended a convention hosted by Equinox for current and future personal trainers. I am deeply considering attending one of their academies for either personal training or group fitness, and on either the east coast or west coast.

My personality has a tendency to be obsessive. I go through phases with hobbies, boys, interests, clothing, tv shows, broadway shows …. and then lose interest or get what I want and move on.

I still love trapeze, especially after nights like tonight where hard work pays off, but when I first started I was head over heels in love with the sport and talked about it every chance I got, watched youtube videos every spare moment and felt like a crack addict waiting for my fix from each trapeze class.

This happened with American Idiot after the first time I saw it, this happened with Green Day, this happened with the TV show Roseanne, this happened with In the Heights, this happened with Rent, and this happened with every boy I ever had a crush on. It fills my mind and it is all I can think about while the obsession is fresh, and then I find the next and move on.

I fear that my current obsession with exercise, fitness, and healthy living will fizzle out in a similar fashion to those other obsessions. While working out will most likely always be a big part of my life, I won’t want to talk about it and discuss it as much as I currently do.
This makes me worried that if I do decide to pursue a career in training others, I will get over this obsession and lose interest in changing the world one work out at a time?

I expressed this concern to my mom– what if I lose interest? She, being the incredible and supportive mama that she is, said “so what, you find your next passion”
Granted this obsession didn’t just start— I always love dancing, I used to have a whole ab regimen that I did every night in high school and I always loved the medical fields. But this current state of obsession– following various blogs religiously, planning out my work out week, trying to eat better, and spreading my love of sweating with everyone who is willing to talk about it, might fizzle out.

how do you know when it is more than just “lust”, more than a “crush”. its similar to when you have a crush on a guy, and he finally likes you back, and you then simply lose interest. will I lose interest? or is this the path I’ve secretly been heading towards.

… and more importantly, how does theater fit into this? I’ve spent my whole life in love with musical theater, and more passionate about it than anything else I have ever encountered. When do you know though that it is time to give up those dreams that you’ve had since you were 5 and move onto something that makes more sense?
Can I have both?
—

well thats my mini senior freak out of the day. I like to think this is what all 21 years feel like on the verge of graduating college.

despite all of this wondering, still a pretty perfect thursday. now I just have to figure out how to come down from this adrenaline high and get some sleep before my 8:30AM dance class

getting my 7AM Sweat on: Things I never thought I’d say

6:15 AM my alarm goes off.
Is this an accident? a terrible mistake when I was setting my alarm?
Nooooope. I sorta wish.
This is my “time to sweat” alarm. I am actually going to get up and go to the gym while it is still dark out. When did I become this crazy?????
—–
One day over winter break, I had the brilliant idea to become a morning exerciser. In the various fitness blogs I read, bloggers always talk about waking up super early, working out and feeling fabulous for the rest of the day. So I decided, hey, I can do that too. and o-m-g, crunch offers some classes at that god awful hour.
Winter break was the baby steps to this brilliant idea– if I can wake up at 8:30AM every single day all break to drive 20 minutes away to the gym when those were my only plans for the day, I can totes wake up at 6:15AM, walk 2 blocks, and work out before an action packed college day.
—–
Have I been successful in these first 2 weeks of school? Yes, and well no.
But I HAVE made it to one 9:30AM Cardio Groove, one 7AM conditioning, and TWO (YES TWO) 7AM yoga classes. Thats like, more yoga that I’ve done like ever, and all at 7 AM.
—-
Do I feel fabulous after waking up super early and working out? I’m gettin’ there! I am surprised at the fact that I don’t feel tired considering I woke up while it was still dark, and while some college kids are still procrastinating on facebook. I am shocked at how much I have enjoyed the early morning yoga class– I generally detest yoga, but this teacher and his style really work for me, and cause me a minimal amount of wrist and joint pain. I leave there feeling awesome, and oh so ready for starbucks chai and 9AM dance class.

conditioning at 7AM was a bit more of a struggle and shock to my body, but I still got a good work out. Since I had woken up so early, it also gave me loads of time to take a shower, actually look like a functional person for class, AND go food shopping at Whole Foods when the line was short— all before a full day of classes followed by a broadway show at night
—
Conclusion? It is early in the semester still, but I’m lovin’ this early morning sweating. It is a great way to kick start my day, and it free up my night. If i have rehearsal, or tickets to see a show, or life gets in the way at night, its all good– cuz I already sweated it out in the morning.

A bonus? its rather peaceful and lovely to see manhattan eerily quiet, and motivating to see Union Square Crunch bustling with energy from other crazies like me

Senior Spring

senior spring: a quest for happiness, avoiding senioritis, attempting to eat healthy, striving to stay active… and most importantly figuring out what do you do with a BFA in theater
—

it’s absolutely crazy, Monday was my last first day of school. Aspects of college have gone by so fast, yet other parts feel so long ago– almost like it wasn’t my life because I’m so far removed from it. While a part of me is terrified of the “real world” I have been told horror stories about, this other part of me is so very ready to graduate and be done with college.

All break I answered the dreaded question about what’s next. I always feel so self conscious answering that question as if people are judging my dreams and aspirations on the spot. There are a lot of paths and ideas that I currently have and frequently discuss with my parents to make sure I’m not crazy. There are a million things I want to do with my life– live in a state that is not new york, live somewhere warm, travel, become a certified group fitness trainer, work for a gym, make my broadway debut, get paid to act, get a masters degree.
I am only 21 and honestly, i think I can accomplish a decent amount of the above. At this moment I am just unsure of the order to go about it.

—
It’s the beginning of a new semester, and my last semester and I’ve set up some goals for myself and things I want to change in my last semester– habits I want to instill before the “real world”, and things that will hopefully make me far more functional

become one of those people that exercises in the morning
The reasoning behind this is more than just being cruel to myself. No one can schedule a rehearsal or a meeting at 7AM. If i can get one work out in before school, then its okay if something gets in the way after.

So far I am trying super super hard. Monday I don’t start class until later, so taking “cardio groove” at 9:30 wasn’t a struggle. Tuesday my bed was far too warm and cozy to think of leaving it at 6:15AM. Today I shocked myself and got out of my warm bed at 6:15AM for YOGA… yoga of all exercises. I hate yoga! i hate waking up early! but the combo actually worked– after taking the hour long yoga class I was super warmed up and ready for my 9AM dance class. I’ve also felt really awake all day which is shocking considering I left my apartment before the sun was up. It’s a start!

keep my apartment stocked with healthy foods
if there are fresh, healthy options for snacks, then I will eat these healthy options. I’m starting off small– stocked my fridge with apples, hummus, baby spinach, strawberries and yummy salad dressings. I’ve accepted that I will never feel comfortable cooking, and especially not in my teeny tiny kitchen, but there are simple things I can prepare for myself that are also good for me.

So far I’ve been on top of thinking about all my meals and making good decisions– not just resorting to carb heaven for every single meal. Have lots of fruits and hummus in my fridge has made snacking much easier and guilt free.

stop eating peanut butter out of the jar
it’s simple, but a thoughtful way to change the way I eat. I can eat peanut butter in a sandwich or with veggies all I want, but no more sticking a spoon in there. So far, so good.

actually stay on top of my work
like all college students, I love to procrastinate, and I particularly love to procrastinate by treating myself to broadway shows and spending the night at the gym taking every fitness class offered. I will do everything in my power to do work before it is done, and memorize things well in advanced for class

read more
the stack of New York Magazine currently littering my kitchen counter needs to be read. Also, the growing list of books I’ve wanted to read

and lastly blog
I don’t know why I’m fascinated by blogs, but I have been for awhile. Over winter break I got addicted to following various fitness and food related blogs. Am I particularly oh so brilliant and fascinating that people need to read about my life? Meh.
but at the very least I want to track my senior spring and my plunge into “the real world”. In addition to my self centered reasoning there are other people out there- people who are terrified of their kitchen and raw chicken, people who are obsessed with group fitness class,  people who are addicted to peanut butter, college students trying to stay healthy, and of course musical theater lovers.

to the beginning of the end
end of the beginning.
whatever that means.